Time for some brutal honesty about myself: I don’t know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I am and what remains is the hollow man who sits here writing this post. I used to be passionate about role playing, and I even had a regular group that I had been a member of for over a decade. Somehow I let all that drift away from me. I had a growing interest in all things steampunk, and it was spurring creativity in me. I still have that interest, and I still look and appreciate those elements, but now the passion I felt about it is missing.
Honestly, I am not sure that there is anything in my life that I can truly point to and say that I am passionate about, and it shames me greatly. I have three wonderful children and a wife who has gone through hell with me, and while I love them and am proud of them, somehow the passion that should be there for them is missing. My children adore me and I struggle to show them how much I love them.
Part of me wants to blame it on the medications that I am taking, but if I am honest with myself I can look back and see that this started happening long before I started taking medication to deal with my depression. This may even have been a contributing factor in my depression spiralling out of control.
Speaking of control, a few weeks ago my wife tried to figure out what was going on in my head, and I told her that I felt that I had no control. Somehow I managed to point to the physical mess surrounding me as what I felt I had no control over, but that is purely a symptom of the problem, not the source of the problem. What I feel I have lost control over is my life, and I have no idea how to regain that control. Ironic that I finally feel strong enough to voice this when many aspects of my life are finally improving in measurable ways.
Eric, my long lost friend, this is part of why I never answered your calls. I knew why you were calling and what you wanted to talk about, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone and speak with you. Perhaps out of fear of knowing that you would pick up on this and drag it out of me. You never were one who would let me wallow in my problems, and you would always reach in and pull me out and make me face the reality of whatever the problem was. I was ashamed to reveal any of this to you, yet somehow I am strong enough to put this out there for the whole world to see. No, I can’t explain why I can do the one and not the other.
They say that knowing what the problem is is the first step to resolving the problem. Well, maybe this is a good first step. Hopefully it hasn’t gotten so far out of control that it costs me everything that I treasure in this life.